pity party

whine, whine, whine

pout, pout, pout

cry, cry, cry

that's what i've been doing all morning and that's what i'll be doing in this post.

i feel awful.  it's been a depressing week and it's not even over.  everton was sick all weekend then passed whatever he had to charlotte.  monday i took her to the doctors and found out that she has a double ear infection, which is what's been giving her a barking cough, fevers, and a constant runny nose.  then i later realized that she's also teething. they prescribed an antibiotic (the bubblegum flavored stuff, i love that smell) and i picked it up from walmart.  then when i gave her a dose before bed she barfed it up.  gave her a bottle, she barfed it up.  called the doc and they said to come in to give her an antibiotic shot.  charlotte was so pissed, it was way past her bedtime already and shooting her in the leg made her scream baby curses.  i felt awful having to do that to her but she needed meds in her system to clear up her ear infections.  brought her home, gave her a bottle to calm her down and she barfed it up.  luckily she went right to sleep and slept all night.  but then the next morning she wouldn't eat anything and barfed up the 2oz of formula i gave her.  then commenced a day of charlotte constantly screeching, having runny noses, coughing, throwing up, and never letting me put her down.  awful awful awful.  then everton made life worse by having an accident in his pants.  i couldn't take it anymore.  i called the pediatrician pretty much freaking out and told them that charlotte's been feeling horrible all day and they said to bring her back in for another antibiotic shot.  i had given her a little bit of banana and water before we went in and she threw up a lot in the car on they way.  i'm so tired of her throwing up.  they gave her a shot therefore she was more pissed.  she went right to sleep so thanks goodness for that.

later that evening everton was waking up every half hour due to his first night terror.  that was terrifying for brett and i to deal with.  eventually everton fully woke up and then we were finally able to comfort him and get him some water and he slept peacefully the rest of the night.  i'm really hoping he doesn't have night terrors often now.  brett and i eventually got to bed later than we hoped.

then brings us to this morning.  i dreaded getting out of bed.  i'm so happy charlotte at least slept all night.  then everton majorly pooped all over his legs and onto the bathroom rug.  after screaming i gave him a bath.   why the accidents?  he knows better and that's what frustrates me more.  charlotte never ate breakfast and i gave her a little juice.  and then began the constant whining and clinging onto me again.  i'm still mad at everton and there was nothing i could do to help charlotte.  i hate feeling so helpless.  

i locked myself in the bathroom to cry.

i feel like the worst mom.  everything everton does seems to annoy the crap out of me and charlotte constantly screeching sets my nerves on edge.  i know she's in pain and i feel terrible for her but there's absolutely nothing i could do.  i'm so tired.  the only way i could write all this was putting charlotte down for a nap 3 hours early, which seemed to be what she wanted all along.  

i hate feeling like i'm always getting mad at everton, constantly feeling like i'm the worst mom, feeling like my house will never be fully clean.  i suck i suck i suck.

i always sucked at school, i was never a good employee, and i'm a bad mom.  i suck at everything i do.

weeks like this week makes me never want to have anymore kids, which breaks my heart because i do want at least 2 more kids but the thought of having to deal with all this crap again in the future with future kids gives me anxiety.  i have no freakin clue how people do it.  i have so many friends with a lot more kids than i do and i can't even handle 2.  i'm so frustrated that everton barely talks.  i hate always wishing that he would go to school everyday instead of just 2 days a week.  i hate the feeling of needing to get out of the house every chance i get.  i hate using my calling as the young women's secretary as a chance to get the hell out of this house.  and poor brett, i'm constantly complaining to him how awful the kids were that day.  pretty sure i just called him today at work completely freaking out about the kids and some cursing was involved on my end.  i love him so much for dealing with my crappiness. 

usually i wouldn't give a crap about the house being messy but charlotte's first birthday party is this weekend and i have so much to do.  the house is in an awful state due to charlotte never letting me put her down and all the food i was looking forward to making ahead of time is non existent.  and when she takes a nap or when the kids get to bed i don't want to do anything except stare blankly at the tv forgetting all the misery i just went through that day.  i don't know what i'm going to do.  i'm hesitant to ask for help from others because i don't want anyone to come over and catch all the diseases the kids have.  so right now it's just me and the kids during the day.  trapped in this small house by the cold weather.

and ya know, there are billions of people out there with worse problems than i do, which always make me feel like an idiot.  i have dear friends who've lost their sweet babies or friends who aren't even able to have kids and here i am complaining. 

please don't get me wrong, i absolutely love my kids, they're my world, they're my everything.  i would do anything for them and would pretty much kill anyone who does them harm.  but i'm exhausted, stressed, my eyes are swollen from crying, and i've got a headache from said cryfest.  people say to cherish this time in my life but it's real hard.

i need a freakin vacation or at least a nap or a slap in the face or a padded room.