on a more positive note...

holy crap i love you guys!

i know my last post was really intense to where my mom called me to make sure i was mentally sound.  don't worry mom, i am.  

i was really hesitant to link that last dark post to fb, i totally didn't do it to get, "oh you're totally a good mom" comments but let's be real they sure did help.  i first wrote it because i knew it'd be important to look back on, to see what life was like with little kids.  also, it was a good form of therapy.  yes i could spew out all my feelings to a kind friend but i'd feel like my feelings would be all over the place.  my blog is a perfect place to dump words.  but your comments saying how much you all have been/ are going through the exact same thing made me feel tremendously better.  

of course i know i'm not alone in my struggles of motherhood but when i'm crying locked in the bathroom, it's so easy to feel like the only one in the entire universe going through this.  for me, it's always nice to have the reassurance that i'm not the only mom out there with horrendously messy houses, or that their kids also poop in quite inconvenient places, or that their sick babies are smearing their never ending snot all over their shirt. i teared up with every comment, private message, and text sent my way.  

people who have kids or don't, offered their love, support, kind words, a scripture, a talk, encouragement, dinner, chances to take everton out, cookies, and help with prep for the party made me realize how truly blessed i am for the family and friends that i have.  maybe i deterred some childless friends from having kids but it's like my one friend commented, 

"kids are awesome.  except for when they suck."

after my meltdown yesterday and during charlotte's nap everton fell asleep while i was watching cast away on netflix (i guess watching some dude trying to survive on an island bored him.)  but both kids napping became such a tender mercy for me.

and while i was desperately trying to sneak in a nap cuddled with everton before charlotte woke up, my sweet friend and neighbor, jill, knocked on my door and came right on in when i opened it.  she said, "yo mama's not here so i'm helping you clean!"

i cried into her shoulder then she went right to work.

WHAT AN ANGEL

and while it was awkward at first to have someone cleaning my kitchen, i quickly got over it and slumped behind everton for some much needed shut eye.

i'm so truly grateful for jill and she left me with a sparkling kitchen that instantly made me feel better about life.  

brett came home early from work with a coke for me and a readiness to watch charlotte while i took a nap.  another dear friend offered to take everton out to play for a few hours so that alleviated some stress for me too.  i believe that naps can cure many problems so that nap literally gave me life again.  with everton gone, brett and i took our little charlotte back to the doc's to get her last antibiotic shot.  she pretty much hates our guts for giving her so many shots.  if only she knew that she'll be getting more next week for her first birthday checkup.  speaking of which, i also postponed her birthday party and instantly i became a million times less stressed.

we picked up pizza for dinner and watched friends on netflix (i'm such a huge fan now!)

when it came time to get out of bed this morning, i knew that with everyone's encouragement, i could punch this new day in the face.  everton didn't wake up till 8.30 and charlotte slept in till 9.45 so that definitely helped my sanity out.  thanks kids!

i made myself a nice breakfast, did a little work out, everton pooped where he's supposed to,  charlotte's been napping (going on 5 hours now,) and i talked to my mom and my best friend charlene on the phone.

some chocolate devouring was involved so i'd say it's been an excellent day.  now it's just a matter of getting little charlotte to her usual chipper baby self.

i just wanted to say again, thank you all so much for everything.  i'm so grateful for the friends and family that i have.  i honestly wouldn't make it through the adventure of parenthood without you guys...and brett too of course!

pity party

whine, whine, whine

pout, pout, pout

cry, cry, cry

that's what i've been doing all morning and that's what i'll be doing in this post.

i feel awful.  it's been a depressing week and it's not even over.  everton was sick all weekend then passed whatever he had to charlotte.  monday i took her to the doctors and found out that she has a double ear infection, which is what's been giving her a barking cough, fevers, and a constant runny nose.  then i later realized that she's also teething. they prescribed an antibiotic (the bubblegum flavored stuff, i love that smell) and i picked it up from walmart.  then when i gave her a dose before bed she barfed it up.  gave her a bottle, she barfed it up.  called the doc and they said to come in to give her an antibiotic shot.  charlotte was so pissed, it was way past her bedtime already and shooting her in the leg made her scream baby curses.  i felt awful having to do that to her but she needed meds in her system to clear up her ear infections.  brought her home, gave her a bottle to calm her down and she barfed it up.  luckily she went right to sleep and slept all night.  but then the next morning she wouldn't eat anything and barfed up the 2oz of formula i gave her.  then commenced a day of charlotte constantly screeching, having runny noses, coughing, throwing up, and never letting me put her down.  awful awful awful.  then everton made life worse by having an accident in his pants.  i couldn't take it anymore.  i called the pediatrician pretty much freaking out and told them that charlotte's been feeling horrible all day and they said to bring her back in for another antibiotic shot.  i had given her a little bit of banana and water before we went in and she threw up a lot in the car on they way.  i'm so tired of her throwing up.  they gave her a shot therefore she was more pissed.  she went right to sleep so thanks goodness for that.

later that evening everton was waking up every half hour due to his first night terror.  that was terrifying for brett and i to deal with.  eventually everton fully woke up and then we were finally able to comfort him and get him some water and he slept peacefully the rest of the night.  i'm really hoping he doesn't have night terrors often now.  brett and i eventually got to bed later than we hoped.

then brings us to this morning.  i dreaded getting out of bed.  i'm so happy charlotte at least slept all night.  then everton majorly pooped all over his legs and onto the bathroom rug.  after screaming i gave him a bath.   why the accidents?  he knows better and that's what frustrates me more.  charlotte never ate breakfast and i gave her a little juice.  and then began the constant whining and clinging onto me again.  i'm still mad at everton and there was nothing i could do to help charlotte.  i hate feeling so helpless.  

i locked myself in the bathroom to cry.

i feel like the worst mom.  everything everton does seems to annoy the crap out of me and charlotte constantly screeching sets my nerves on edge.  i know she's in pain and i feel terrible for her but there's absolutely nothing i could do.  i'm so tired.  the only way i could write all this was putting charlotte down for a nap 3 hours early, which seemed to be what she wanted all along.  

i hate feeling like i'm always getting mad at everton, constantly feeling like i'm the worst mom, feeling like my house will never be fully clean.  i suck i suck i suck.

i always sucked at school, i was never a good employee, and i'm a bad mom.  i suck at everything i do.

weeks like this week makes me never want to have anymore kids, which breaks my heart because i do want at least 2 more kids but the thought of having to deal with all this crap again in the future with future kids gives me anxiety.  i have no freakin clue how people do it.  i have so many friends with a lot more kids than i do and i can't even handle 2.  i'm so frustrated that everton barely talks.  i hate always wishing that he would go to school everyday instead of just 2 days a week.  i hate the feeling of needing to get out of the house every chance i get.  i hate using my calling as the young women's secretary as a chance to get the hell out of this house.  and poor brett, i'm constantly complaining to him how awful the kids were that day.  pretty sure i just called him today at work completely freaking out about the kids and some cursing was involved on my end.  i love him so much for dealing with my crappiness. 

usually i wouldn't give a crap about the house being messy but charlotte's first birthday party is this weekend and i have so much to do.  the house is in an awful state due to charlotte never letting me put her down and all the food i was looking forward to making ahead of time is non existent.  and when she takes a nap or when the kids get to bed i don't want to do anything except stare blankly at the tv forgetting all the misery i just went through that day.  i don't know what i'm going to do.  i'm hesitant to ask for help from others because i don't want anyone to come over and catch all the diseases the kids have.  so right now it's just me and the kids during the day.  trapped in this small house by the cold weather.

and ya know, there are billions of people out there with worse problems than i do, which always make me feel like an idiot.  i have dear friends who've lost their sweet babies or friends who aren't even able to have kids and here i am complaining. 

please don't get me wrong, i absolutely love my kids, they're my world, they're my everything.  i would do anything for them and would pretty much kill anyone who does them harm.  but i'm exhausted, stressed, my eyes are swollen from crying, and i've got a headache from said cryfest.  people say to cherish this time in my life but it's real hard.

i need a freakin vacation or at least a nap or a slap in the face or a padded room.

bubblegum sweetness

my baby girl is turning 1 on jan 31.

i've been looking back on this 1st year with her and how much loveliness she's added to our lives.

i think that celebrating her first year is also a celebration for brett and i making it through a year with 2 kids.  

AND WE SURVIVED.

i took probably 12 million pictures of her to commemorate her 1st birthday.

so be prepared to get some cavities, because my charlotte just exudes sugar.

lastly, i just want to fawn over charlotte's little shoes.

they're her early birthday present and i'm dying over them.

before getting these, i never realized how much i hated baby shoes.

with everton i think he just wore socks for the beginning of his life, he's a boy, whatever.

but c'mon, if my girl is going to be anything like me, she's gonna be sporting some swanky footwear.

but baby shoes can be too ill fitting and easily kicked off.

then i discovered the magic of baby moccasins.

i found this etsy shop, starry knight design, and all the moccs got rave reviews.  they're custom made, real leather, soft soled, and claim to never slip off wiggly baby feet.

i was sold and ordered a pair.  and when they came in i was never so happy buying a pair of shoes for someone else.  i slipped them on charlotte and she couldn't take em off!  but yet they're so easy to put on and SO FREAKING CUTE.  i love em i love em i love em.

the shop has SOOO many styles for boys and girls, seriously, check it out!

"give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world."

AM I RIGHT?