fear of the unknown and anxiety

i am approaching my 37th week in my pregnancy and i am getting scared to death.

early on in my pregnancy i guess i heard too many horror stories from friends about their birthing experiences and took em as "just learning about different birth stories."  but now i feel like they're catching up to me.  one thing i'm scared of is what if my body rejects the epidural and i end up having to give birth naturally?  which is something i'm def not prepared to do...

 brett and i took a little birth class they offer for free here in tooele and turns out tooele has a high rate of teen pregnancies for utah and the class mostly consisted of just that, teen preggos.  the class was not in depth and the only thing i remember is the teacher showing us what forceps look like and my jaw dropping to the floor.

i pray it won't have to come to that.  but yeah i didn't feel very confident leaving that class.

at my dr's appt last week the doc said i could have the baby anytime now and since then i feel like i've been on edge.  i have that feeling like i had the night before my wedding.  

i was at my parents' house and i had stayed up till 3 in the morning crying because i was so nervous knowing that my life was going to change dramatically.  i definitely wasn't regretting my groom choice (which was the best freakin choice i ever made) it was just that i let my anxiety take over.

everyone says that your life turns upside down when you start having children and i believe that's what'll happen to us.  i mean, in just a few weeks, brett and i will be holding this baby that is the combination of both of us.  holy crap.

 the anxiety is starting to take over me now, not knowing when my baby will come.

i don't feel ready at all, i feel like we still need so much more stuff, even though we have so much already!

and honestly it's just the little things, and i think about ALL the little things we need ALL at once and i get overwhelmed and i FREAK out.  the nursery isn't ready and decorated yet and what if we don't have enough diapers?

and then, brett gives me lots of big hugs and kisses and tells me something like this, "you don't need to worry about all these little things.  when you give birth you'll be fine, the dr and nurses will all be there to help.  and as for the baby items, we'll get as much as we can and after the baby's born, i can go get what we need when we need it...YOU DON'T NEED TO STRESS."  then he gives me more hugs and kisses.

SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

that's why i married this boy.  he's my anchor back down to the real world.

it also makes me feel really good when he wears this.


i am ready to have my body back though, i feel as if the baby's starting to get crammed in there and his kicks to my ribs don't exactly tickle.  i can't wait to be able to bend down to pick something up without groaning and i seriously can't wait to sleep on my back.  oh how i miss it so.

it's not that i don't like change,

i'm just often scared of it.